In therapy and in life coaching there is always the moment when you want to stop, to give up. And normally those who are long in this process of personal transformation know that this is the exact moment when you have to continue.
Because this is the moment when your ego starts crumbling. It means there is now the opportunity to go deeper, to look into your past, your trauma. This is the moment when change becomes possible.
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The demolition of your old identity in the process of your personal transformation and healing is an important issue that nobody talks about. And it’s your ego that stands guard to protect your identity. And here where a lot of people get stuck or give up.
How was your identity created?
In childhood you were getting various signals from your parents and caregivers, verbal but mostly non verbal, about what their attitude was towards you. The scariest ones were when your parents were not happy or angry with you, etc. So as a child you had to adapt yourself, not once, not twice, but all the time, creating various behavioural patterns, emotions, triggers, reactions, thoughts, conclusions about yourself and the world- all of it to protect yourself out of fear to lose support and love of your parents. All these patterns were not rational, or conscious, they were unconscious.
Basically your identity was built to protect you from pain. Because in childhood those patterns were essential for your survival. Survival in a way that in childhood we depend completely on our parents, and losing their love and support equals death for a child’s perception of the world. And your ego protects all of it. And it protects your wound as well.
But the problem with the identity in adult life is that the identity that was once essential for your survival is most likely causing a lot of problems in your life now.
The intensity of the emotions or the disproportionate reactions, or your habits, your limiting beliefs, most probably do not let you to move forward in your life or even hurt you. And you probably still use your identity to earn approval and love of people around you in adult life.
The ego of an unhealed person is rigid, because there is a lot of fear behind. Fear of being hurt again, fear that someone will find out that behind this adult person’s performance, bravado there is still an unhealed traumatised child who craves for love and approval of his parents.
The ego of an unhealed person is conformism, when a person really does not know himself, but his only goal is to be accepted by others. It’s self betrayal, self neglect, self abandonment.
The extreme example of a rigid identity and ego is narcissists (of course). True narcissists have disconnected from their authentic selves, forgotten the Sacred. They live only in their ego as a refuge from the horrors within. Rather than facing their imperfections and doing the hard work of healing their trauma, they cast blame onto others, crafting a distorted reality to suit their own needs, to make themselves look good, to feel powerful— because they feel so powerless inside. Beneath their carefully crafted and curated exterior, there is a frightened child inside, neglected and in pain, inflicting punishment on others and absolutely desperate for attention at any cost.
There is a terrible abandonment wound at the heart of the narcissist. They point the finger outward so they don’t have to look within. They create drama to avoid the stillness of the heart. That’s the tragedy of the narcissist: they do not know real love. They do not know inner peace.
The meaning of life of a narcissist is only one: no matter what, they must protect their identity. And all of their energy is spent on that.
When next time you feel this resistance of your ego to go deep, to look into the things in your past, into your trauma, please keep in mind: whether you have this courage to look into things or not, those things are already influencing your life right now, and probably not in a positive way.
Find your way to tame your ego.
The ego of a healed person is really non-existent, because there is nothing left to hide. The ego of a healed person does not stand in the way – it opens towards the opportunities by being whatever the situation requires, without inner struggle or the thoughts that it’s humiliating. The ego of a healed person has healthy ambitions that are aligned with his true self, and with his soul’s desires.
And guess what else will demolish your false identity?
Love… that true non toxic, non manipulative love that demands you to be fully vulnerable, raw with another. Any rigid ego crushes from the vibrations of this emotion!